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Habit 5

• Posted by Theresa on January 30th, 2007 filed in Responsibility, Book Review

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

As Stephen Covey says in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People the order of this habit is what really matters. FIRST, seek to understand. THEN (and only then), seek to be understood.

The key to this habit is to listen effectively, what Covey calls Empathic Listening. Empathy is ” identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.” Empathic listening requires that you listen until you inderstand the other person’s view of the situation, their feelings about the situation and their motives. This is done by reflecting their feelings and reflecting their meaning.

To be effective at empathic listening one must learn to concentrate on and echo the way the person feels in your own words. And one must learn to restate accurately to content of what the person is saying in your own words. Keep repeating these two things until the other person tells you you have it right, he feels understood.

Don’t judge - Don’t agree or disagree with what the person is saying.

Don’t probe - Don’t ask questions to obtain information to meet your needs or curiosity.

Don’t advise - Don’t recommend solutions and counsel based on your opinions and needs.

Empathic Listening is reflecting what the other person is saying and feeling in your own words. It is not giving it your own spin. It is not hearing what you wanted them to say. Empathic Listening should be used:

• when emotion is high
• when the other person does not feel understood
• when you do not understand the other person
• when trust is low

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgement - and for a few moments, at least, existing for the other person. - Michael P. Nichols

When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do - just hear me. - Ralph Roughton, M.D.

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